How To Get Over A Break Up

I've always been a hopeless romantic, a huge believer in and of love and fate and all that stuff that makes you cringe. I've always dealt with what feels like A LOT of douchebags, pricks, dick heads and the works. I've been broken up with, I've had to do the breaking up and I've also been in a lot of confusing situations where I really didn't know what was even happening. Recently my love life has been all over the place and one of my closest friends has also just gone through a break up and watching your loved ones go through that sort of things is almost as bad as being in it yourself. So I really wanted to write about break ups, as morbid and depressing as that sounds. Without dubbing myself an expert, I think I have a pretty good idea on: "How To: Get Over A Break Up"

1. Block/Delete Them On Everything

Delete and block their number, delete and block them on Facebook, Whatsapp, Snapchat, unfollow them on Instagram, Twitter, Tumblr, and whatever else you have them on. Sever all contact. If you are putting this off or can't bring yourself to do so, then you are holding on to the hope that you might rekindle things, which could happen, but ask yourself if that's really what you want. Once you've deleted and blocked them then you can move on! You have finally accepted that it's over and you have removed any temptations you may have had to stalk them, drunk call/message them, post things deliberately in hopes that they will see them and it will (hopefully) ensure that you can't contact them and they can't contact you. It's unhealthy to be checking up on their social media, despite how tempting it can be. You might also see things that you really don't want to see, like photos of them with other girls/boys, photos of them clubbing or partying whilst you're at home crying over a tub of ice-cream, new relationship statuses (rare but you just never know with some twats), other girls/boys liking their photos, and anything that you just would rather not see. So do yourself a favour and take the first step of removing them from your life.

2. Don't Try & "Stay Friends"

I personally think that you can never be friends with your ex unless you were never really that intimate/serious, or if you genuinely just grew to love each other in friendly way rather than a romantic way. I feel like most break ups end badly, they are usually more unpleasant and harder for one party than the other. A lot of relationships also start out as friendships so naturally, people assume that they can go back to that stage or they know that they've ruined any chances of a friendship after the relationship doesn't work out. It's always hard when you still care about the person and still want to see them and be a part of their lives, but you also have to mourn the ending of the relationship and you're going to be sad about it. Your friends are usually people you turn to when you are sad, and obviously you can't cry on your ex's shoulder about them. Unless you have amicably broken up and mutually have lost feelings for each other then I would strongly suggest not trying to be friends, especially at first. Sometimes the easiest way to get over someone is to not see or talk to them for as long as possible (out of sight out of mind). Maybe eventually you can "be friends" but at first you need to mourn them, get over them and focus on yourself. If you're trying to keep them in your lives then it gets confusing and hard to let go.

3. It's OK To Cry

Feeling sad is natural. Some days you're going to feel absolutely devastated, you may cry your eyes out, you might not eat (not sure what thats like), you will feel alone and will question everything. You might feel very lost and confused and that's normal. It's OK to have a good cry when you need to. It's healthy to let it all out and to just feel what you feel. Sometimes nothing anyone else says makes it any better, even when you know they're right. Everyone may be telling you that you're better off and you'll be happier and you might even know they are right, but it still doesn't make you feel any less sad. You are allowed to be sad, just don't let it take over and ruin your fun. There is no time limit or time frame allocated to being sad about a break up because everyone heals differently. You just need to make sure you're doing all you can to cheer yourself up and not let yourself dwell on the sad bits. By all means have a cry, but don't put yourself in situations that you know will trigger tears or those sad feelings. 

4. Keep Busy

The worst thing you can do after a break up is spend all your time alone, shut in your room and allowing yourself to over think everything. Distractions are KEY! Make sure you are surrounded by your closest friends and/or family and/or favourite pets to keep you company and make you feel loved. Keep yourself busy with as much as possible, lose yourself in films, novels, TV shows (try to stick to the horrors over the romantic comedies) and say YES to as much as you can. Take things slowly as well though and don't go rushing into nights out if you don't feel ready because sometimes mixing sadness and alcohol can just end in tears and desperate calls. Don't sit around letting yourself sulk, get out there and work as much as possible, find a hobbie or three, even join the gym and get a revengeful hot body (I always aimed to do this but never got around to it..). 

5. Don't Try & Fix Yourself With Someone Else
People always say the quickest way to get over someone is to get under some else (or something along those lines), but I honestly think it just messes you up even more. It makes you feel empty and dead inside and you're just thinking about your ex the whole time. You can even end up hurting the person you're using, which doesn't make you any better than your ex. It's a vicious cycle. Rebounds always end badly. You try and replace the person you miss with affection of any kind from ANYONE else (literally anyone else you can get your hands on). Break ups are a great chance to reclaim your sense of self. Although at first you spend time rethinking everything you should of, could of or would have done differently, you might blame yourself for things that happened or for the way things ended, and there may be some self-hate, some loss of self-confidence and a lot of self-esteem lowering. But everything happens for a reason and a break up gives us that chance to put ourselves back together in whatever shape we want. You can recreate yourself, or just work on the things that need improving, whether thats your confidence, happiness, attitude or just general outlook on life. You can't do that, and get over someone when you jump straight into it with someone else. So give yourself time to heal before rushing into anything.

6. Write It Out
Keep a break up journal. Write down everything you're feeling, document your experience and use it to vent all your anger and emotions. Write down everything you want to say to them in this journal, instead of drunk (or worse.. sober) messaging them. Write them letters but keep them in the journal, don't actually send them. This is so therapeutic because you always seem to feel like relationships are unfinished after a break up and you have so much more to say to the other person, and to ask them even, but sometimes it's only you that feels that way. Sometimes it's more beneficial to just write it all down and keep it to yourself. You can also always look back on these and see how far you've come from day 1 of feeling absolutely devastated, to further along to when maybe you saw them in public and didn't actually care.

7. TREAT YO SELF
Everyone has different coping mechanisms, whether its comfort food, retail therapy or even ... exercise (which I really don't understand personally..). Either way, you are going through a difficult time and you should be nice to yourself, be sympathetic to yourself and TREAT YOSELF! Take yourself shopping and buy whatever you want (within reason- you may forget about the break up when you're grieving over your empty bank account). Eat all the chocolate, ice cream, pizza, cake and comfort food that you need. It won't last forever, but right now, you may need all the love from food you can get. Some people find it therapeutic to exercise out their anger/emotions. Go for a run, start boxing, join a gym. If you're into all that and it works for you, then you go girl (/boy). Also make sure you get plenty of sleep. Don't stay awake crying and thinking and stressing. When you sleep you can escape reality and sometimes that's exactly what you need- to forget whats actually going on. Overall, look after yourself, pamper yourself and do what makes you happy!

8. Make Some Changes
You don't need to change yourself but there are some aspects of your life that you might want to change after a break up. Whether that's a hair cut, a new bedspread, a new tattoo, new underwear, a redesign of your bedroom or anything in between, it's always nice to feel like you're moving on with a "new and improved you". You shouldn't feel like you have to change anything, and if you don't want to then don't! Sometimes it just helps to move on from someone and from a part of your life, by introducing some new things. One of my friends always had a thing about throwing out all her underwear and buying all new pairs after a break up. It helped her cope, and it wasn't necessarily about sex, it just made sense to her and always helped her move on for some reason. Another one of my friends likes the idea of new tattoos to signify her love/hurt from each boy in her life. You will undoubtedly change a little bit after a break up because for the time you dated that person they had an impact on who you were, no matter how big or small. Hence why you always feel quite lost and alone after losing someone, because they have always been around influencing little parts of your life whether it's where you go to eat, how you wear your hair (because they liked it a certain way), what underwear you wear, what takeaway joints you order from, and many more. So don't feel like making some changes is a bad thing, sometimes it's just refreshing to start fresh and make new memories.

9. Fake It Until You Make It

This has always worked so well for me. You basically pretend you're over them, act like you don't care, you don't miss them, you don't want to see them or speak to them or even hear about them. You aren't sad anymore, you aren't angry and you genuinely just don't give a shit. You know you're better off without them and it all worked out for the best. You don't belong together and you don't want to get back together. Tell yourself all of this as many times as you need to before you start to believe it. Pretend you're ok until you are ok. One day it just starts feeling right. You stop pep talking yourself out of the sad feelings, because you just don't get them anymore. You get to a point where you genuinely believe you are better off without them, and you always knew really, it was just hard to accept at first. There will be a day when you can bump into them in the street and you can just smile and walk away without feeling anything. It won't happen overnight but time heals all wounds and that's all you need. Support yourself, don't let yourself be devastated over someone who might not even care that they've upset you. You are a strong, independent (black woman) person who don't need no man! (/or girl)

10. Date Yourself
This sounds pathetic, but after a break up you find doing things alone very daunting. You were used to always have a buddy/sidekick with you and being part of a couple or even a team. You may not have been as serious as having your ex with you all the time, but even so, you still feel the loss of their presence, not being able to ring them when you feel down or to go and see the latest film with them at the cinema. It sucks because your first instinct is to reach out to them, out of habit, but now they aren't there and that can take some time to get over. You may not have lived together or been that serious, but you still relied on them a little bit and to have that taken away can feel quite rough. My best advice is that once you have followed all these steps and have finally started feeling better about yourself and about being on your own, you should really focus on yourself. You may feel like you want to find MR RIGHT (or MRS RIGHT) but a quote that I always loved was one by Gloria Steinem which was:
"Far too many people are looking for the right person, instead of trying to be the right person"

And I think that that's so true because everyone is always looking for "THE ONE" and that person that "COMPLETES" them but you aren't incomplete, you are whole and whilst people might make you feel lovely and lovEY, you can complete yourself. You should focus on yourself and on being the person that you want to be. You should make sure that you love yourself because how can you expect anyone else to if you don't? Get to a point where you are self sufficient and independent and you don't need to rely on anyone else. You can and are happy to, but it isn't essential. You put yourself first, you treat yourself, take yourself on dates and are able to go on adventures and have fun and put yourself out there because you're you and YOU are amazing.

SO- How do you know when you're finally over them?
As impossible as it seems, one day you will wake up and not remember their face. You won't remember the sound of their voice, or what colour their eyes were or what their favourite colour was. One day you will bump into them or see them across the street and you won't feel a thing. At first, a break up seems like the most painful and most devastating thing that you can go through, and emotions have a way of making us feel horrible. What's important is to not spend too much time dwelling on the sad emotions. It's always going to be sad to lose someone you loved, but life is too short to let it bother you for too long. There are far greater things waiting for you, and only you can get yourself through it. People help, loved ones make it easier, but only you can get yourself to a place where you are happy. There will come a time when you just don't think about them anymore. Your feelings disappear, your anger fades and your metaphorical/emotional wounds heal. You do eventually meet other people even though you can't even imagine feeling any kind of spark with someone else, you will. It might take you by surprise but everything happens for a reason, and there really ARE plenty of fish in the sea, so don't waste your time on a useless one.